Just a reminder
As of tomorrow, I can be found at Sailor, Nurse and Co. This move is a big part of a new start. I plan on posting more frequently again. Talking about our adventures, my career choices, and alot of stuff about parenting.
Hope to see you all there!
A sign of how busy
I have three weeks of “Dear Nolan” letters that are waiting to be published, but I haven’t had time to get them finished. Shame on me!
As usual, we are never endingly busy. This week finds us in sunny California visiting all of our wonderful family. Seeing my MIL is one of the greatest pleasures of this trip. I miss her so much when we are away.
Last night we gathered all the cousins and had a nice traditional Salvadorean meal and watched the kids play. I took a billion pictures, and I will post some later. One thing was alarming to us as we posed all the new generation for a photo…someone was missing.
Big Boy. It is clear where he fits in the line up of his cousins. There is a spot for him, and yet he isn’t here to fill it.
Amidst all the fun and happiness of this week, I am overcome with a sadness for him. He is losing out on so much. His Mother is single handedly stealing away his family, and not just his Father but also all the cousins, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents.
As I watched Their Bisabuelita hold No, I prayed that she will be able to MEET Big Boy before she dies. Sadly, his Mother didn’t get to introduce him to his great Grandfather who passed in December.
Dear T,
One day he will know that you kept him from them. I hope that you know how wonderful they are and how much he is loved and wanted. Call Isa.
Love,
Us
Mark your calendars…again!
Apparently the link I posted wasn’t working. So, here we go again….
As of June 1st, I will no longer be posting on this page. You can find me HERE.
Stop by and say “hi”!
Mark your Calendars..
As of June first, I will only be blogging at HERE. Please join me there! I will be blogging about everything from Nursing, to family life to babies and life in Japan.
Head on over!
Finale
12 more clinical hours and I’m finished. Done. Complete.
What started out as a two year journey turned into three.
There were good times, bad times, horrible times and then there were finals. But it’s almost over. I’m almost done. I’m within sprinting distance.
Here’s to praying for an uneventful last shift, full of ontime medication passes, stable vital signs, adequate urine output, and atleast one pee break for me.
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May 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm Enter your password to view comments.
Degree of separation
Working nights has been challenging for me. I love the night shift, I have almost always been a night shift worker. My brain seems to function better during that time of the day. But, having the baby makes me reevaluate alot of things.
My parents have been watching him while I am in clinical and at school. This means that they have been the ones putting my sweet baby to sleep twice a week. And during the course of the last 4 weeks, my mother has managed to sleep train him. He sleeps pretty much through the night now.
It’s bizarre to me to imagine him going to sleep without me. It feels strange being home with him and not nursing him every two hours. I know this is best for him, I know he needs his sleep, but it feels like he really has grown up too fast.
School is coming to a close. Our time here with family and friends is ticking away. It’s almost time for us to separate from them. Time for us to get back to Japan and restart our lives as a little family.
It’s also time to make professional decisions. Am I going back to school? For what? BSN? MSN? What area of nursing do I want to work in? Should I try to work while we are overseas? Can I volunteer in disaster relief? When to take the NCLEX?
This last year has been so focused on getting school completed that I didn’t dare to think much further ahead. Now I am faced with a multitude of personal and professional choices. All have both positives and negatives. And the choices keep coming.
In the meantime…two more shift of clinicals and I’m done! I’ve survived!
Well intentioned, Happy Mothers Day.
First, Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there! Also to all the grand mothers, god mothers, aunts, mothers of furbabies, mothers of angel babies, and soon to be moms. I hope today brings you joy and love.
Now…the well intentioned. I’ve been wrestling with whether to post this. But after the third or fourth time I heard it, I realized that If I didn’t post about it
My head might explode.
“Happy FIRST Mothers Day”
I know that statement was well intentioned and that people meant it because it is my first Mothers Day with Nolan. BUT, I have been a mother for a few years.
I was a mother the first time I saw two pink lines on the pregnancy test. I was a mother each time I saw those two pink lines again, even if they didn’t fulfill the promise of holding my babe on earth. I was a mother when I married The sailor and was blessed to have Big Boy in our family.
It’s not my FIRST Mothers Day, but I know there was no malice behind the statement, it was just one of those “slips of the tongue”.
Anyhow, Happy Mothers Day to all. Snuggle your loved ones today.
Diva Cup Review!
I posted recently about my desire to stop wasting money on menstrual products, to be more earth friendly, and ultimately keep from adding any chemicals to my reproductive plumbing. So, I took the leap and ordered the Diva Cup. Some of you guessed that I was going that direction! And sure enough….
After it arrived, I had to patiently wait for AF to arrive. As I am still breastfeeding, I wasnt sure when my monthly guest would decide to show her face. I dont think I have ever been so excited to get my period, EVER!
Basically, I opened the bocx and thouroughly cleaned the cup (HELLO, its going INSIDE…its gotta be clean). Then I stopped and nearly fainted when I saw how much larger it is than the typical tampon. Holy smokes, thats gonna be uncomforable….
I was wrong. I followed the instructions and inserted it, then I hung around in the bathroom for a few minutes doing acrobatics making sure that it didnt hurt or leak. And, IT DIDNT!!
The instructions say that it can be left in for up to 12 hours without having to empty it, so I headed out for the day. Let me tell you how freeing it is not to have to waddle around with a panty shield on. How incredibly liberating it is not to have to smuggle a tampon into the bathroom without worrying if I packed enough. It was a wonderful first day. Then I got home and paniced about having to remove it.
Would it be gross? Would it be messy? Um….maybe I cant get it out!
Nope, Nope, and yes, I could.
Its blood people, but it was no nastier than dealing with removing a tampon. It wasnt messy, but I was very careful. The removal was easy, however it was a little uncomfortable removing it (maybe Im doing it wrong).
The only other negative was trying to decide what to do with the, urm…fluid. A simple flush and it was gone. I rinsed the cup (and then bleached the sink) and reinserted it.
This was my most pleasant period, ever! I was actually excited to use my new product! And for comparison shoppers, I got the Diva on Amazon.com for $19.00 (with free shipping!). My average monthly hygiene cost is about $25.00. The Diva is good for at least a year. That would make my average savings $281.00 for a year!
Are you a Diva?
Not my kind of baby.
Before seeing Nolan’s face, and before holding him in my arms, I would jump on any opportunity to hold ANY baby. I didn’t even care if they weren’t human babies. Give me puppies or kittens any day.
Those were the days where I didn’t know if I would ever get to have a baby of my own to hold in my arms. I didn’t know what it felt like to be snuggling “MY” baby. So, I just enjoyed other peoples babies.
Now that I have No, it’s different. I still get that lump in my throat when I look at a littler baby. I still yearn to hold them. But once they are in my arms I don’t feel anything. I really start to think that I would rather be holding my own baby. It’s not as satisfying as it used to be.
I definitely have the baby blues and would love to have another baby in the near future, but I don’t feel the desire to snuggle other peoples babies.
Is that strange? Have you found any strange ways that Motherhood has changed you?
Life changing
Last year on April 30, I went to my anatomy scan and was so excited to get to see the baby. The invitations to my graduation from Nursing school had been mailed, as well as the invitations for my baby shower.
I remember writing my “Dear Baby” letter early that morning. Whipping out the “magic Doppler” to just check to make sure that the baby was still chugging along. My family all piled into the car for the excitement.
We all know that things went a bit crazy after that. And it did end up working out alright, but dang it was pretty scary there for awhile.
Yesterday marked one year since I was told that I would have to change my life. Nursing school was put on hold. I was told that the baby had a less than 10% chance of survival. I was told that regardless of my choice, he wasn’t likely to survive.
I took the gamble. I accepted the challenge. I was ready to fight, and fight we did.
I couldn’t have done it without all of the support from my friends and family. I couldn’t have done it without all the prayers.
One year. And today I have a cheerful and healthy 8 month old son. School is a couple weeks from completion, and we are all doing great.
One year. Whoa.
All in a breath
Everything changes in the seconds it takes to exhale. That’s the brutal truth of hospital life.
I’m in awe of the ICU nurses. Damn, they are brilliant. I seriously can’t imagine being capable of joining the CCRN crew. But I sure want to. I love the energy of the ICU. I love the team work. I love the personalities, and let me tell ya, ICU nurses have some personality!
Floor nursing is busy and don’t mistake my statements above, floor nurses work their asses off. It’s just not the same as the ICU.
When I started nursing school, I was sure I wanted to work in and ICU or ED. And then I did clinicals in L&D and was in love. Now I’m wondering if it’s not that I’m just in love with this PROFESSION. I keep hyperventilating thinking how close I am to finally being done.
And then I have to stop myself because last time I got excited, everything changed. And I don’t want to Jinx it again.
This time, there will be no graduation announcements. There will be no big party. There will be nothing marking the event. I don’t want to risk having to cancel all those things, again.
I’m so close. But I’ve been here before. For now I’m just trying to enjoy shift two.
Here I go.
“what would you like to achieve from this experience?”
That was the question my mentor asked me when we met. I almost cried. That was the first time in my nursing experience that I have ever been asked that question. Ever.
My first half of mentorship was a little disappointing, ok…it was majorly disappointing. It wasn’t really my mentors fault, but the site I was assigned had some issues happen with another student so they tightened the reigns and weren’t allowing any students to do ANYTHING. So basically it was a purely observational experience.
I did learn from it. But it was hard being a shadow for the entire shift. Very hard.
My current mentor is an instructor of a BSN program locally. She loves her job. She loves to teach. She wants to do this. I feel blessed to get to have her for my experience.
Today is shift one of six. After tonight I will only have five clinical days standing between me an my degree.
It’s gonna be a great night. I can feel it in the air.
Dear Nolan, (Week 38)
Dear Nolan,
This week was another hard sleeping week. But dang it seems you are learning so much now. Every single day you are changed. Now you can pull yourself to standing and are starting to walk around the table while holding on. You also have two teeth and another one coming in. And the biggest change is….you can wave bye bye!! Its awesome!
You still love talking on the phone, and you love to watch youtube videos of babies playing!
You are doing great on table foods and will reach for just about any foods that we are eating. You tried macaroni and cheese last night and loved it!
We love you so much little man! You have been so wanted and loved! Thank you for choosing us as your parents!
Love,
Your Mama
It’s not even my experience.
I had the privilege of joining my close friend for the early portion of her labor experience today. I stayed until about 6cm and then was replaced by another friend. (I left happily!)
As I was sitting there observing her in the active stages of labor, after a very uncomfortable AROM, I noticed that my heart was racing, and I was feeling anxious.
For the most part I have moved on from my labor experience, but recently I have found myself thinking more and more about it. I still grieve for the loss of a normal pregnancy and delivery. I still mourn the loss of snuggly early days with my infant, instead of sterile NICU ones.
I am so appreciative for him being here safely, and for how healthy he is. I am not naive to have much worse it could have been. I will however be completely honest and say that I am sad for what we missed out on.
More than the grief over those minor things, I have fear. I have always wanted children. I was already thinking about more while in having my laceration repaired. It took many years and many lost babies to get one that I can hold in my arms (instead of just my heart). But now, knowing what I know about my body and my pregnancy with Nolan, I am scared.
I am scared that I won’t get lucky again. I won’t get to bring home another live, healthy baby. I am scared that I will endure preterm labor, incompetent cervix issues, NICU time, or worse. I’m scared we won’t be able to conceive (although that has not been my problem thus far, I just can’t seem to stay pregnant). I’m just scared.
And a little jealous. Seeing the women walk into L&D and the excited looks on their faces, it tore at my heart. I was terrified every time I entered L&D. I was terrified the day I delivered.
My friends experience was so beautiful. No monitors. No tubing, just a saline locked IV. Free to walk around. Bouncing on a labor ball. It was beautiful.
I’m full of many tears. But mostly tears of joy for her happy ending. I feel so close to this experience, my emotions are so tied up in it and it’s not even my experience.
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Jackpot!
Just when I was Resigned that my clinical experiences this term were going to be seriously Inadequate, I am left surprised. Pleasantly surprised.
My first half was….well…it just was. I don’t really want to say anything bad about it or the staff but I will say that I am glad it’s over. Don’t be shocked, I’m diplomatic sometimes.
But this second half is gonna rock! My nurse mentor is phenomenal! I have 6 shifts standing between me and my degree! I’m so ready to be finished.
6 shifts…I can do this. I will keep my eyes on the goal. I will remain positive and upbeat. I will rock this.
It’s gonna be awesome.
Dear Nolan (week 37) Happy Easter!
Dear Nolan,
Happy Easter, Baby Boy! It’s your very first Easter, and you are just so excited about everything. You are the perfect age because you are now fully crawling and will head in the direction of anything bright colored (EASTER EGGS!)
This week also brought about you standing up! You are now pulling to stand on anything you can reach. Its adorable! And you move FAST! This week you also slept for the very first time for an entire night without waking up. It was amazing.
You got the sweetest cards from your Madrina and Padrino. They sure love you! You got to spend lunch with your Madrina the other day, and you will be spending Easter day with your Padrino. It will be wonderful.
I dont know how its possible, but you just keep getting cuter and cuter!
Happy Easter Little Man!
We love you so much,
Love,
Your Mama
This too shall pass.
Tonight is a new chapter. I talked with one of my favorite NICU pals (Hi Nikki!) and since her adorable boy was going through something similar and all you have assured me that this is a developmental sage thing, I’m giving him some motrin and starting fresh tonight.
Last night was hard because of some additional family drama and I was exhausted. Tonight I’m tired but I feel like I can make it through the crying.
The truth is that Nolan needs to
Sleep. And I need to be firm and be the parent.
So here goes. Commence sleeping boot camp day one (attempt two)!
He’s trying to kill me.
It’s Nolan I’m referring to. I swear he is trying to kill me using sleep deprivation techniques. Teething sucks.
Seriously, fuck you teething. I hate you. I would seriously rather invest in baby dentures then deal with hearing my baby scream and whine.
Oh my GAWD, the whining is horrible. He will be playing happily and then suddenly whine until I hold him. Then whine to be put down, then back up again. Where did my happy baby go?
He is 8 months old and still barely sleeps. He’s not hungry. He’s TIRED. He’s freaking exhausted. He plays hard all day long. He takes two naps a day. But night time sleep is ridiculous.
We tried the CIO. It doesn’t work. There is just never an end. He would literally cry all night until it’s time to get up for the day and then he’s miserable. We can’t cosleep, he doesn’t sleep that way either. So what are my options? Get up every hour and soothe him back to sleep, leaving us both ridiculously tired. BOTH of us.
This is one of the hardest parts about being a geographically single parent. I would trade off with my hubby and bounce ideas off of him, but he isn’t here in the nitty gritty of our daily lives. He is out protecting our country. So instead its left up to me.
And the input/pressure from the family is rough. They all have their ideals of what I “should” be doing. And of course I’m doing it wrong. They seem completely ok with having him scream until he chokes. They just keep telling me to stick with it for a few days until he catches on. So I did. And it worked, for two days. Now we are back to square one. An it’s killing me.
Why doesn’t my baby sleep? I know why, because he is trying to kill me. At this point I will give up any secrets I knew, his terroristic torture can stop.
“More Asshole Juice, please”
(The title is catchy, huh? I bet google has a blast with that one!)
StudentRN: Can I bring you anything?
Person with speech issue: Yes, more asshole juish.
SRN: Excuse me? I’s sorry, I didn’t hear you.
PWSI: MORE. ASSHOLE. JUISH. PWEASH.
SRN: Urm…oh…more apple juice. No problem. I will be right back!
Nope, that’s not how we do it.
Dear wayward new aide,
When removing the feces from the bedside commode do NOT just reach in with a gloved hand and pull it out.
When you walk over to me with poop in your hands, I might giggle.
Ps..the bottom pan of the commode is removable.
Just an FYI. But thank you for the laugh!
Love,
Nursing Student
Dilema solved
After weeks of nerve straining option weighing, we’ve finally made our decision about Japan.
There were alot of variables that we weighed. And after much discussion and research and guidance from people we respect, we decided that it is best for our family to return to Japan.
That means that in late June, we will be boarding the big plane again and heading home.
I am relieved. I’m not saying that there isn’t danger. I’m not pretending to be naive to the hazards of being in a country that is in the middle of reconstructing after a massive disaster. But, what I am saying is that it is better for us to be in our home together, then it is for us to be apart and so far away.
We chose to serve overseas because of our love for Japan. I am in such awe of the Japanese people, their strength and generosity. I love the peace that I feel while walking in the cherry blossoms. I love the serenity of seeing the Buddah in all his glory. Japan is my country, and I feel blessed to get the chance to head back.
This will not sit well with many of our family and close friends. But those closest to us understand that this is our decision and it wasn’t made lightly.
Have you ever had to make a decision that wasn’t supported by your extended family? How did you cope?
