Oncology, ICU and the annoyance of cravings

Starting from the top…This week we are having our exam on Oncology, or as our instructor calls it “Altered cellular growth”. Basically its the cancer exam. This exam encompasses one day of lecture and one week of time to study. In other words, I feel like Im screwed going into this one. We had a guest lecturer, which is usually an excellent learning tool except this time the lecturer went at rapid pace and skipped back and forth over the topics. I felt like I wound up self teaching this entire topic, and since I was so lost from the lecture I was highly unmotivated while studying. In other words, it sucked monkey balls and Im thinking that my test score will reflect this lack of motivation completely.

Now onto the ICU. I spent last weeks clinicals romancing the ICU. Walking in I was not looking forward to working there, when I first started in Nursing school I desperately wanted to work in the ICU, but after spending the clinical rotation in the L&D I have since decided that I prefer womens health care. The ICU is full of very sick people who often have poor prognosis, and I am very sensitive to that. Dying people make me cry. Their families make me cry. It is just too hard. And my guess was correct, it was very difficult. There is just so much emotion in the ICU, people are praying and holding on to their loved ones, Nurses are scrambling to complete each task and to truly keep their patients alive. Its so hard.

The strangest part wasnt that the emotional aspect was difficult for me, but that there was just so much noise in the ICU and I was having a hard time focusing. Not the people noise, but the noise from all the machines, the beeping of the IV pumps, the dinging of the OG feedings, the whooshing of the ventillators, the sucking of the wound vacs and hemovacs, through all that I was just really over stimulated. I never thought I would be that way. I love the noise of the ED (emergency department), I love the hustle and bustle of a busy night with a full moon on payday in the ED. Those are the best nights. I dont mind the noise of people talking, screaming, yelling, arguing, laughing, crying. THose are fine noises. But the lack of voice and over abundant amount of electronic noise was so….distracting.

I loved the Nurses that I was blessed to get to work with. Those nurses are super heros, they deserve so much credit and I would love to be considered to be brilliant enough to join their ranks, but I just dont think that I am cut out to be one of them. Its a sad realization. A sad end to dream. But I suppose these are the types of things that you are supposed to learn while you are in school.

And now the last of my topics, the annoyance of cravings. Baby is keeping me from eating. And when I do find something that I “crave” by the time I make that food accesible I can no longer manage to gag it down. Im tired and totally missing eating. Its hard to be nauseas all the time, its wearing on my nerves and while I feel like I should be enjoying every minute I am lucky enough to be pregnant with this baby I am torn by being bitter that I am so sick. The mixed emotions combined with the hormonal moods are making me cry.

This weeks goal is to pull my SHIT together. I will spend this week getting back to myself. This is a good thing for both me and the Baby. I cannot wallow in this bad attitude for the next 29 weeks. I cant.

What are your goals for this week?