Fear and loathing
Hormones are a biatch. Really. And between the hormones and the deployed spouse I am struggling. Im having a really hard time with missing my Hubby. So I wind up crying. Yup, hormones are a biatch!
Im also dealing with fear. 5 weeks ago we were told horrible news and told we would be lucky to make it to the elusive viability day. Now we have passed 24 weeks comfortably and instead of being more secure I am instead surrounded by fear that since everything is going so well that the other shoe is gonna drop.
I feel like I am trying to fake my way through the positivity. I am shocked whn I feel him kick, like the reassurance that he is still thriving is in itself shocking. Every time I go to the doctor I hold my breath while waiting to hear the bad news, and when it doesnt come I am a little startled. Its scarier for me to be waiting for the bad news then it is to have a plan to deal with it.
Can anyone else relate? I just dont know how to trust in this positivity. Im trying to have faith, really trying.
And the loathing. While at the doctors I overheard a woman excitedly telling her family over the phone that she is “having a BOY!!” She had just left from her ultrasound. And as I felt a smile creep across my face, it was quickly replaced by a scowl. I find myself angry that other women get to enjoy complete and utter happiness at pregnancy news. They dont worry about dead babies, cervical length, cerclages, contractions, or irritable uterus’s. And I loathe them for that. I want pregnancy bliss.
I want to see a positive pregnancy test and feel the confidence that it will turn into a bouncing bundle Of baby.
I want to go into an uktrasound not
Worrying about preterm labor, or a failed cerclage.
I want to plan a baby shower without worrying about having to cancel
And I want more than anything to stop
Worrying about NICU stays, immature lungs, disabilities due to prematurity, and pregnancy complications.
I just want normal. I want my husband. I want my son to be born healthy. And I want some confidence.