Fear and loathing
June 3, 2010 at 12:20 am 7 comments
Hormones are a biatch. Really. And between the hormones and the deployed spouse I am struggling. Im having a really hard time with missing my Hubby. So I wind up crying. Yup, hormones are a biatch!
Im also dealing with fear. 5 weeks ago we were told horrible news and told we would be lucky to make it to the elusive viability day. Now we have passed 24 weeks comfortably and instead of being more secure I am instead surrounded by fear that since everything is going so well that the other shoe is gonna drop.
I feel like I am trying to fake my way through the positivity. I am shocked whn I feel him kick, like the reassurance that he is still thriving is in itself shocking. Every time I go to the doctor I hold my breath while waiting to hear the bad news, and when it doesnt come I am a little startled. Its scarier for me to be waiting for the bad news then it is to have a plan to deal with it.
Can anyone else relate? I just dont know how to trust in this positivity. Im trying to have faith, really trying.
And the loathing. While at the doctors I overheard a woman excitedly telling her family over the phone that she is “having a BOY!!” She had just left from her ultrasound. And as I felt a smile creep across my face, it was quickly replaced by a scowl. I find myself angry that other women get to enjoy complete and utter happiness at pregnancy news. They dont worry about dead babies, cervical length, cerclages, contractions, or irritable uterus’s. And I loathe them for that. I want pregnancy bliss.
I want to see a positive pregnancy test and feel the confidence that it will turn into a bouncing bundle Of baby.
I want to go into an uktrasound not
Worrying about preterm labor, or a failed cerclage.
I want to plan a baby shower without worrying about having to cancel
It.
And I want more than anything to stop
Worrying about NICU stays, immature lungs, disabilities due to prematurity, and pregnancy complications.
I just want normal. I want my husband. I want my son to be born healthy. And I want some confidence.
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: anger, fear, pregnancy.
1.
Lauren | June 3, 2010 at 3:40 am
I’m sorry Tiffany! Honestly I didn’t feel any of those things until I was near 35 wks with my last baby, and at that point I didn’t need to worry about viability. I had ICP, and I spent all my free time worrying that she was going to die inside me, and the albeit short NICU stay, was sad – and I still cry about it. It’s all relative, but I have a vague idea of how you are feeling, and I wish it wasn’t so difficult for you.
2.
PottyMouthMommy | June 3, 2010 at 4:36 am
oh it’s soooooo true… I get twitchy when the perfectly-healthy-normal pregnancy people try to “dramatize” their pregnancies even more…. it’s like really?? You’re having a couple contractions?? What’s your cervical length?? What are they giving you as a tocolytic? etc etc etc…
Most of them just stare at you blankly… and that makes me UBER stabby…
I too felt a lot the same way, but each week HAS gotten a little easier. It seems the “fake it till you make it” works somewhat with high-risk pregnancies too- just keep hoping and believing you will make it! Hang in there- you’re doing awesome so far!!!
3.
Kandi | June 3, 2010 at 6:28 am
OOOHH Sweet girl. I totally understand why you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. My baby cousin (OMGAH don’t get me started. She was a baby when I was your agish? and now she is a Mama to a beautiful boy, Oh how fast they grow) Had a lovely pregnancy. Free from fear of what you are going through. Just perfect. So when I read yesterday that she was so depressed and was going to take her 1ish mos old little man and go crawl in bed and cry cause she misses her man so much (and of course I wanted to wrap her in my arms and make it better, but alas I can’t). Well, I thought of you. I would NEVER tell her to just be grateful for the baby and all. But I will tell you, Honey, both your shoes have dropped. The hubs is gone and your having a hard time. So see sweetie, No More shoes to drop. (Unless your a shoe collector but we won’t go there ;o) xoxo, Kandi
4.
Sarah | June 3, 2010 at 7:57 am
It’s normal to want those things. And to be mad, furious, when you don’t have them. At least I had my husband by my side when I went through my high risk pregnancy.
On the positivity front, I found it helped to fake it if I could. And to forgive myself when I couldn’t. Each and every day brings you one day closer to bringing home a healthy baby boy.
You have a lot of people pulling for you.
5.
AKD | June 3, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Oh, sweetie, I totally relate. It’s a horrible feeling, but like PottyMouthMommy said, I think it gets a tiny bit easier each week. You still don’t ever feel secure, but you feel MORE secure. I don’t know if that makes sense. You’re just amazing, though, and I just know he’s going to be so strong and beautiful.
6.
manapan | June 3, 2010 at 10:38 pm
I know this probably won’t help, but the way I see it they’re just uninformed about the things that can go wrong. You’re well-informed both from nursing work and from personal experience. When it comes to pregnancy, ignorance really is bliss. If they knew what you do, they’d be pants-poopingly terrified too!
7.
eep6 | June 5, 2010 at 7:12 am
Yes, oh yes, I know – my sister has had 2 homebirths, never once went to see a medical professional, never once worried about a loss… it’s so hard not to feel resentful of others’ experiences that seem so untroubled.
Hang in there – you’re not alone!