The look of parenthood

Being a parent is exhausting work. Seriously.

So wgat is the most glorious thing for a parent? A child who sleeps! I havent been shy about the fact that Nolan is a vampire in training, often keeping us up all night. However, once we arrived in Japan a funny thing happened… He slept! At night! It was glorious!

So I pushed it further. I put him in his crib. And he slept. And so did we. I didnt realize how much better i sleep without him in bed with us.

So I pushed it even further. We put him in his room. And he slept. But i didnt. I kept waking up to check the baby monitor, then to go into his room to make sure the monitor was working. Then I would lay there waiting for him to cry. Im hoping tonight goes better.

I never thought that transitioning him to his room would be so hard on ME. But its ridiculous. First there are the SIDS fears, then the bonding remorse, and then…gasp…he’s not such a tiny baby anymore. Im not ready for him to grow up. And this feels like such a big milestone.

Next thing I know he will be 5 and starting school, 16 and driving, 18 and off to college, or older and getting married….Im not ready!!! Time needs to slow down.

In the meantime, with the baby sleeping before us, we are enjoying a little adult time (aka time for Tiffany tk freak out).

What was the hardest milestone for you?

I love this man….

And I know he loves me, but I think that in this picture he is clearly telling me to stop clicking pictures of him.

It seems to be the standard operating procedure that when he is home, I shoot WAAAAAAY too many pictures of him. And I know it starts to make him crazy, but gosh he’s cute!!

Happy Father’s Day Honey! (Its a day ahead where he is) Thank you for being such an awesome Daddy to your boys!

I love you!

When you say nothing at all

Im rotating between a dark place and pure joy that I am still carrying my son. I have alot of guilt over my bodies failures and yet I am so glad that so far Nolan seems unbothered by any of this.

I feel selfish when I miss Nursing school or when I am mourning the delay of my graduation because I can think of a dozen people who woukd give anything to be sitting here and pregnant.

I feel alone and yet so supported. My own thoughts are so loud without the chaos of my life to drown them out. I focus on the ramblings of my mind and then get swept away.

Im not trying to sound ungreatful. Not at all. I am so happy that I get this opportunity to be able to feel this baby growing inside me. I feel blessed that he is so healthy. I am amazed at the ability of the doctors to keep me pregnant even when my body is done. Im just….thoughtful. Im like a walking oxymoron.

No one ever expects this. But this is not what I had planned. And as my good friend would remind me “People plan and God laughs”.

I guess its good to really remember who is in control. But sometimes its hard.

What sayings inspire you?

The discharge and homecoming

Yesterday was wonderful, a beautiful PNW Saturday. And a day to thank God for. Another day to be pregnant with my amazing son. The MFM doctor was nice enough to come in today to discharge me instead of having me meet the weekend doctor team. Dr.T showed up and we talked about my cramping, spotting and fetal movements. She gave me the option of staying an extra night just for my psychological well being, or going home. We discussed the options and since neither of us could see a reason for me to stay we both agreed I would go home.

I was instructed to go back to a modified bedrest. She does NOT want me laying in bed all day because she worries that with my luck I would end up with a DVT (blood clot), so instead I am instructed to “couch” rest it until Monday and then we will re-evaluate my abilities. Ideally she would like me to do some very slow walking until week 28 to prevent deconditioning, but she wants to be very cautious as my cervix is only 0.6cm. Personally I am not sure I feel comfortable doing much more than walking to the bathroom. But we will see as I get further along and things are looking good.

Things I am absolutely not allowed to do are: running, lifting, squatting, baths (due to infection risk), and anything that causes cramping. I need to listen to my body, if I start to hurt I need to stop. Im nervous because if the cerclage fails then there arent any other options for me.

Anyhow…as we were heading back to the car (me in a wheelchair) my Dad was nice enough to push me around the lake so I could get some fresh air and see the water fowl. What we saw just made my entire day!

Canadian geese and their babies!

Do you see all the babies? They were wandering around and starting to get annoyed at us. But gosh they were cute!

Another shot of the family of Geese!

The Mama and Papa geese were hissing at us, so we decided to continue on around the lake and see the next surprise…

The lake and my hospital.

Do you see those two white specks in the back? Well, I could see this from my room and really wanted to get a closer look.

THE SWAN!!

While I stayed on the path in the wheelchair my Dad headed onto the grass to get a closer picture of the swan. I cant even tell you how much this made me smile. I just feel like the swans are good luck. They seem to just provide me comfort that things will be ok, Nolan will be fine. And regardless of how silly that sounds, it makes me feel better.

After the walk (wheel chair ride) we headed back to the house and I was exhausted. I never would have imagined that a simple car ride would exhaust me so much.

And now I am back home, and snuggled in bed taking it easy. Follow up appointments on Monday with the MFM and the High Risk OB.

Thank you everyone….I cant say it enough. I dont know how to describe what all the positive comments have meant. I cried reading them all, I dont know if there is any way to thank you enough.

From us all HUGE THANKS!

Slowing my roll, and finding some peace

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am a “high energy” person. I like to be go-go-going constantly. There is rarely a moment when I am not doing three things at once and planning for another two. I was doing all this for the past 20 months in an especially multifunctional manner. Clinicals, studying, being a wife, growing a fetus, and still trying to be a “nice” person. I thought I was managing in a good way, getting everything accomplished. It turns out I was failing on many levels.

I was thriving at clinicals, coasting through being a wife (mostly because he was deployed) but I was failing at growing my fetus and keeping it safe, and not even putting a dash of effort into being a “nice” person.

I was short with my patience with everyone. I was mean to my husband on more than one account. I forgot peoples birthdays. And if those things alone werent enough to make me wince, I was also completley ignoring my peers. Ive not been quiet about my discontent with my nursing program, but I never realized the women that I am surrounded by unless they annoyed me.

It turns out that they are fabulous. I have had more emails of support, cards, phone calls, and visits from women that I never gave the time of day then I could ever have imagined. What a humbling experience that they have taken time out of their days to stop and focus on me, and I never took a moment to get to know them.

Being busy shouldnt be an excuse. Ever. You never know what someone is going through and how much a simple email of support can mean. Because it means so much to me now. I get it, I understand now. I wont make that mistake again.

Im slowing my roll, reducing my pace (granted its on doctors orders, but still I AM doing it!) and in the process I have found a second to discover peace.

Peace is having nothing more to do than to spend a moment talking to my baby, encouraging him/her and telling the baby all about his/her Daddy. Telling stories to my belly, and enjoying every second of it. It was peaceful.

Lab draws later today for a 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Praying to pass….

Picture pleasure Friday….

Something to keep you all occupied while you wait for the fun baby pictures!

Random thoughts about the “nots” in our lives

A few days ago I posted a poem about the “knots” in our lives.

In that prayer it talks about removing the “have nots, do nots, and can nots”. I got to thinking alot about that the other day. I think that those “nots” are the ones that plague my mind and keep me from enjoying my life to its fullest. It is really easy to get caught up in the things you havent accomplished instead of your successes. Its simple to think of the “can nots” instead of all the things you are capable of.

The biggest thing that troubles my mind is the “might nots”. Those are the things that seem to hold me back the most. I think about what could happen and that this baby still “might” not happen. No matter how wonderful everything is going, I am reminded and humbled by the fact that nothing is for certain and that until the day that I am holding this wonderful living breathing being in my arms, there is not certain fate that she/he will be born. I need to banish that “might not” from my mind to free myself to be able to enjoy all the mights.

In the silence I am tortured by the thoughts of the “could nots” that have happened in my life thus far. I punish myself for not completing school sooner, for having a failed first marriage, for losing babies, for not being a better friend, daughter, sister, or person. Those could nots are things that I need to release myself from so that I can relish in all the things that I CAN do.

The prayer really touches my soul when it says “Remove the Am nots that I have allowed to hold me back”. I think that this is true for everything I have said above and even more that I cannot put into words. I cannot live my life in “nots”. I have to be kinder to myself, and treat myself more like I do the people around me.

I am a good person.

I am a strong person.

I can do it.

I can.

I am.

I will.

Tap, Tap, Tap goes the baby in my belly

Dear baby,

I can feel the little tapping that you are doing. It startles me everytime. I figure that by the time I am used to the feeling you will be about ready to make your appearance. Ive found that you dont like it when I sit indian style or when I am leaning over, because that is when you start tapping like crazy. So when I really want to feel you move, I sit that way to annoy you. Sorry kiddo!

Your Grandma Mary and Papa Roger sent me the first gifts for your baby shower. I cant believe you have belongings of your own already. Papa Roger sent you your carseat and stroller, as I sit and stare at the equipment I cant help but imagine your perfect tiny body sitting in there.

You have a wonderful family that cant wait to meet you. Everyone is excited to meet you! Your Daddy and I are already madly in love with you, and so very proud of all the huge growth you are doing. Keep up the good work little one!

Love,

Mommy

Surviving shift one

Im not young anymore. Thats for sure. I can feel it in my back, my hips, my legs, and I feel it in my feet. 12 hours actually turned in to more than 13. I did manage to take two short breaks and I drank a full 40 oz of fluids. I peed more times than I could count, thats something that I dont get a choice about the baby makes it so.

Being pregnant doesnt actually make me slower, but it makes me more precise. I feel more compassionate to my patients and their different situations. I thought about the strangest thing today, each one of my patients were a little baby once. Totally random, but it made me feel closer and want to make them better even more than I could have imagined.

I was told years ago that I would never be a great nurse unless I had children. I can understand that now. There are alot of good nurses out there, but I think parents develop an understanding for their patients. At least that has been my experience.

The biggest “oops” moment of the day….I tagged my EMR charting as “Physical Ass”. Everyone laughed at that. Oops!

I survived shift number one. And now time to get the log finished, and rest up for tomorrow!

And it doesnt say “love Earl”

Awhile back I heard this story about this cheap-ass guy who bought his girlfriend an egagement ring on ebay. Does that part scream cheap-o, no. Ebay is a useful tool.

The part that screams LOSER is the fact that this ring he bought and proceeded to propose with was engraved with the words “love Earl”. And no Mr. Cheap-ass’s name was not Earl.

He left the previous owners engraving on the ring, and proposed to his finace. Eventually she went and had the engraving removed. SHE had to get it removed. Isnt that ridiculous? And disrespectful?

So…. That brings me to my story. My husband recently gave me a beautiful gift. A three stone diamond ring. Its gorgeous! I am truly blessed with a sweet man! There was no occasion, just because he loves me. Amazing!

Once I am able to get a good picture of it, I will post it…

And it doesnt say “love Earl”.

Saying goodbye

Being a military wife is hard…

Its even harder when you have to say goodbye to your spouse. My best friend is leaving today and heading to NewHome. Our movers should be here in a couple days and then I will be living out of a suitcase for the next 90ish days.

As I sat folding the last of my husbands clean clothes last night and watched him pack to leave I was suddenly overwhelmed that I will be living in a space without all my daily reminders of him. I will be down to basics, reliving my childhood.

Being a military wife makes you nomadic. The change of scenery keeps you going, and you realize sadly to never get to comfortable in one place because the move will have to happen eventually. And the positives of all of that is that I have been able to make long term friends who understand the lifestyle and are willing to write, call, email and send packages to keep in touch. I have people lined up to come and visit us, and since NewHome is so exciting the list just keeps getting longer!

Im not complaining about my husbands profession, not in the slightest. He is the most amazing person in the world, and I would rather have him in my life part time then not have him in my life. We may spend our time together trying to live for all the time we were apart, but I wouldnt trade it. Not at all.

Im blessed to live in a community that is heavy on the military support. I have a ton of resources around me to help me get through this move without too much worry. And for the most part I am excited.

But still, his bag are packed and I am folding the last of his underthings. The bathroom is void of his toothbrush and razors, and the only shampoo is mine.

Its strange….but suddenly the queen size bed seems way to big.

Picture pleasure

The foursome at Disneyland

Early morning love

Sometimes the first morning pictures are far from flattering, but they capture the love in our eyes! I miss him so much!!

Only a couple more days till he comes home!

A special visit

After thinking it over for months the Hubby and I decided that it was time for him to go back to El Salvador to visit his family. I really wanted to go along but since school isnt over yet I couldnt go.

With the big move just a few days away for him and only a few months away for me, we thought it would be a good idea for him to visit before we leave to NewHome.

Im so excited to report that he was able to call me today and was able to surprise his Abuelita! And since his cousins birthday is in just a few days, he will be there for that too.

Sometimes its hard to be selfless and give him five of our 15 days to go out of the country and visit without me. Especially knowing that I wont be seeing much of him starting next month. But…I am so happy that he got to go. He was just so excited!

What is the most selfless thing you have done for you spouse or significant other?

Questions and Answers from the Dad- part two

1) How did you feel when you saw the baby on the ultrasound?:

So happy. We are having a baby!!!!!

2) what do you call the baby? And why?:

Squido.  Our Little squid navy brat
3) Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?:

It doesnt matter he/she is going to be love the same

4) What is one thing that scares you about fatherhood?:

Nothing it is a great adventure

5) What is the hardest part of having a pregnant spouse?:

Not being there with her

6) Write a message to your baby:

Hello baby. We cannot wait to meet you. There is lots to do, learn, explore and discover. We love you.

7) Write a message to the big brother:

Big boy C,  soon you will have a new sibling! He/she will look up to you. You are becoming the oldest kid with a little more responsibilities. We love you son! You are gonna be a great BIG BROTHER!

8) Write a message to your wife:

Love you my baby. Adore you so much and Im sorry im not there to take care of you!!  Love you baby. Muah

Prochoice versus prolife

I was watching the television last night and saw a commercial about prolife, I believe it was a religious commercial and it got me to thinking about my own beliefs.

I asked my facebook friends what their positions were and was given a wide range of opinions. I have a deeply weaved opinion of my own.

Basically I am prolife. The basic part is that I am prolife for myself, I dont deem to make the choice for others, but I know that I could never make the choice to end my pregnancy or to terminate this innocent life inside me. For other people, I am still certain that choosing to terminate your pregnancy is better than giving birth to a baby and abusing or neglecting it. I wont get into all the alternative options to abortion, because I know that every intelligent person knows that there are alternatives.

One of my girlfriends mentioned how her ultrasound changed her view on abortion. I have to agree. Watching the recent ultrasound and seeing Baby Bean roll, wiggle and wave his/her arms made the idea that there is a real life inside me so much more real. I dont know if many of the women who decide to abort get a chance to see their baby on ultrasound. I know that if it hadnt been for the ultrasounds that I have had, I would be so much less attached to Baby Bean. The visual images have made Baby Bean real, they have made me realize that I have a little person inside me.

Does this mean that I couldnt be supportive of a patient that chose to abort? Or a friend who felt that they didnt have any other choice? NO. I still believe in my heart that this is a decision that is best left to the parents of the baby. I could never begin to fathom the reasons for making this decision, but at the same time I have never walked in those shoes.

I know that there was a moment in time when I was going through my own dark time, dealing with a divorce, with school starting in a few weeks, and I thought that I may be pregnant. I remember thinking that I would never want to bring that mans child into the world, and that I would find some way to save that baby from being forced to have a Father like him.

The minutes that passed by waiting for that test to say the result were excruitating. Three minutes is a life time when you know you will have to deal with something horrible at the end of the buzzer. I weighed my options briefly and was sure that if it were positive I would choose to terminate the pregnancy, not so much for my own ease but to save the baby. Ironic, isnt it?

And now fast forward a couple years. I am married to a wonderful man and our baby is created out of love and want. This baby was no accident, it was planned, discussed, and prayed for. We feel blessed to get the opportunity to be a part of this childs life.

The basic conclusion to this post is that I can see both ways. And I know that when situations change people can change their minds, and suddenly options are opened up that may not have been.

So my amazing readers, what is your stance? Prolife or Prochoice?

Happy Birthday to my sister

Today my baby sister turns 19! I can barely believe it. I remember 19 years ago coming to the hospital to visit her for the first time, and I knew then that my life would be changed forever.

It has been so interesting watching her grow and change. And I have to say that I love the relationship that we have right now.

TO my Little Bratty Sister,

Happy Birthday! I love you and I am so glad that your survived all those little attempts I made to send you back! I couldnt imagine my life without you in it. THank you for being my first kiddo, and letting me screw you up (it saves my kids!) I cant wait to see all the big changes you are going to make this year!

Happy 19th! I hope it is the best year yet and that all your wishes come true!

Love,

Your Big Evil Sister

Me as the gypsy holding my baby sister

Me holding my brand new baby sister just days after she was brought home!

Happy First Anniversary!!

Today marks one glorious year of marriage to the most amazing man in the universe.

Its obvious to most that we decided to get married on Valentines day. And we get asked by many people why we chose that day, so here is my reasoning…. Both my husband and I feel that love should be expressed every day and so should appreciation so neither of us have a particular use for Valentines day. And We wanted a day that was memorable, so we chose Valentines.

Other benefits to being married on this day are that there are tons of sales on Jewelry and flowers and men are bombarded by sales ads reminding them to buy their sweethearts THINGS. For women its a little harder since for
Some reason Valentines is all about buying women gifts.

We spent our anniversary very
Low key. The night before we attempted to enjoy a luxurious restaurant with great reviews. I say attempted because I was unable to enjoy much since BB was not in the mood for food. Today we spent the day exploring Legoland and did some shopping for maternity clothes and then saw the movie Its Valentines Day. Great movie! Oh and we had an amazing lunch at Maggiano’s!

The best part of the day was having my Hubby all to myself and getting to have some great laughs!

Happy anniversary my love! Here’s to another 50 of newlywed bliss!!

9 Weeks

How far along? 9 weeks (according to the most recent ultrasound)

Total weight gain/loss: +0.5, -1.5lbs so far

Maternity clothes?: And back to the maternity pants I go. They are so much more comfortable! Bloat is horrible and gets worse as the day goes on!

Stretch marks? None from the baby

Sleep: Sleep is so much better now that I got a snoogle! What an excellent purchase! And worth every penny!

Best moment this week: Getting Cloth Diapers in the mail. And researching baby stuff.

Movement: My waist band is moving (from bloat mostly at this point)

Food cravings/aversions: Taco Bell burritos. Seriously I could eat this every single day!

Belly Button in or out?: In for a long time!

Gender: Since the begining Hubby and I have thought that Baby Bean is a boy. After this week and all the crying I have to say that I am even more convinced that he is a he. My Father thinks that the baby is a girl. Oh well, only 31 weeks to wait to find out!

What I miss: Wine. I wanted a glass of wine so bad this week. And chocolate, since it gaggs me now.

What I am looking forward to: Hearing Hubby read to the baby!

Weekly Wisdom: If you feel like crying, cry. 

Milestones: Baby is a FETUS!

Symptoms: Exhaustion and moody. Ive had a bit of a short temper this week and have been quick to get frustrated. And nauseas ALOT!!

5 weeks since my last kiss

It has been 5+ weeks since I have had the pleasure of seeing my Husband. Today I am walking out the door and heading to the airport to go visit him in snowy and cold Chicago!

I get an entire weekend of his undivided attention and pampering! Yipppeee!

Sadly, after this weekend it will be another month until I see him again. He will be home for BB’s NT scan ultrasound and then will be heading to Our new home in NewCity. So many changes on the horizon and we are trying to figure out a trip to El Salvador and Canada before we move. Busy times ahead!

I will be posting pictures….

Just one more night

Tomorrow Im leaving on a jet plane and heading off to the Windy City to see my husband. Sometimes I feel like these vacations are the military equivilant of a conjugal visit. Im not complaining, it always feels like another honeymoon.

And speaking of honeymoon, our first anniversary is this weekend! We will be celebrating it with a nice dinner at Chicagos famous Firehouse! Im so excited! This restaurant was featured on the food networks “Great Eats”!

Anyone from Chicago? Any suggestions of things to do out there?

As for today I just have to survive the rest of clinicals and take an online quiz and write two papers before I can leave. No problem right?

Thinking and hoping and planning and dreaming….

Yesterday I put in my graduation application. Yes, it is that close. There are only four months left until I am finished with this step of my education. I am still having a hard time believing that it is almost over. There are 5 weeks left to this term and then next term is just mentorship. Its all downhill from here, right?

And with the end in sight I am having a horrible amount of senioritis. Im burned out, tired, and incredibly frustrated. Im sure that a small portion of it is that I am pregnant and my patience is very thin, but a large amount of it is the continued lack of understanding and organization from my program.

I thought that it had gotten better, hence my lack of complaining about it. But the truth is that I have just gotten used to it. Sadly the school has pulled a fast one again. We were all sent an email late last week notifying us of a “mandatory” seminar on Friday. This wouldnt be a problem except that at the begining of the term we were told that this would be  a long weekend for us, four days, so I planned to fly out to see my Hubby for out anniversary (and long weekend). The tickets are purchased and there is no changing the plans now.

The part that is the most frustrating to me is that I would have liked to have gone to the seminar. Our school is hosting Betty Neuman (Yes THE Betty Neuman). Nurse Neuman is the pioneer of Nursing Mental Health. Her involvement in Nursing is nearly as deeply rooted as Florence Nightingale (in my opinion). So you can see how it would have been interesting to get to participate with a woman so amazing and so passionate about Nursing.

But due to my schools lack of coordination and notice, I cannot go.

Dont get me wrong, I really want to see my Hubby, and I wouldnt miss our anniversary for the world. But at the same time, if I had known about this event earlier then I could have planned on taking a later flight and then gotten the best of both worlds.

*Sigh* I guess I just set my goals to high. I need to lower my expectations of the school so that they can meet them, and then I wont be so frustrated.

Have you ever met anyone famous?

Bad Mommy.

Last year it passed by and I remembered the day half way through. This year the distraction of another baby, and school made it pass by and I didnt remember until nearly a month later.

My Twins were due January 8th of 2008. They would have been two years old if all the what if’s had happened. I forgot their day, but they are never far from my memory. They will always be a part of our life, and a huge part of my memory.

Happy Birthday Little Ones.

The plan and the high risk OB

After yesterdays amazing ultrasound and fabulous appointment, I thought I should take a minute to speak about the details.

First all OB doctors run behind schedule. And it woul be wise to know that you should come prepared to
Wait for quite a while. My appointment was at 0900 and it was nearly 1100 before I saw the doctor. While this might irritate me in family practice I dont mind waiting for the OB doc. He took his time and wasnt rushed with me so I actually dont have any complaint.

Dr. H was amazing! And since he is the Complicated OB doc it looks like I will be staying with him. After a basic summary of my health history and discussing my previous losses he decided that it would be best to run a ton of tests. In my distraction from the ultrasound I didnt even ask him what all they were going to run but I will make sure to get the results.

After the basic meet and greet it was time to strip and get into the gyno stirrups for the exam. My uterus is swollen and maybe a little
Larger than it should be for the gestational age, but that could be due to my friendly fibroid. The ultrasound was wonderful! He showed me Baby Bean and I could see the little flicker of a heartbeat, it was beautiful and I couldnt help but cry.

Then he turbed up the volume and played a little snippet of the heartbeat tracing, WOW! I can honestly say that I have never heard such a beautiful sound in my life!

According to the previous doctor I was to be dur on 9/15. That date was based on my last period. Now I knew that the date was wrong because I know when I ovulated. The current measurement of BB (baby bean) shows that He will be due when I originally thought on 9/19. I am measuring approx 7 weeks and 1 day now.

So where I had originally intended to post my 8 week questions tomorrow, they will wait until Sunday.

The doctor is sending me for some additional testing, an NT scan (A test for down syndrome) and to talk with a genetic counselor.

My next appointment is in two and a half weeks and he will likely do another Ultrasound and somemore blood work. Im waiting for the fetal medicine doctor to call me to schedule to extra testing and that should also be happening in the next 3-4 weeks.

Dr. H and I discussed the benefits and risks of continuing on the Progesterone and since he has no specific
Opinion on it, I am going to continue taking it but reduce to nightly instead of three times daily. The reason is that the amount of absorption is increased while sleeping due to bed rest and the lack of gravity (they are NOT oral people!)

So Here I am. I am pregnant with a little fighter in me who is growing like crazy. The Dr sees no reason that this wont result in a real live baby and gave me the statistic of 90%+ chance of survival now that we have seen a heart beat.

Am I convinced? Not totally. But Im surr excited to get to keep moving forward with every single moment of this baby. I will enjoy as much of it as I can and be eternally greatful for every day that I am given. And then Im going to pray like crazy an do everything I can to ensure this babies safe
Arrival!

Next up… The Dr visit versus Centering choice.