Posts tagged ‘NICU journal’
I should be on cloud nine. I should be overwhelmed with joy. I should be the happiest woman on earth. I made it, I crossed the finish line, I got my real live baby.
Against all odds he is here and alive. 35 weeks of terror, 35 weeks making myself keep going while living in fear. I did my time…so why is he having trouble now?
Why couldnt the pregnancy struggle be the end of the battle? Didnt I prove myself worthy? Didnt I go through enough?
And now here we are in the NICU and every day there seems to be a different struggle. Everyday a new challenge. Every minute more fear. The terror hits
Me deep in my gut, Im so in love with this amazing little person and so afraid that there is something seroiously wrong that is being missed that is going to take him from me.
I dont get it. I cant understand. Havent I shed enough tears? When is it enough?
Why cant this be a happy time? Why cant my baby just come home and be healthy? Why God, why?!
I want answers. I want to know why. I want to know it will all be ok. Im struggling here. And between the exhaustion, hormones and fear I am starting to lose it. I can feel the ground slipping away.
He keeps me going. Knowing he needs
Me. But its killing me inside that I cant do anything for him.
I just wish I knew why. Why us.
Another fun filled day. And trust me, Im no good at being a NICU mom. I just dont know where these women find their strength. I never miss a feeding, especially whike he’s under the lights and that is the only time he gets touched. Im not gonna miss a second of it.
He gained the nickname “trucker” from the nurses because he burps and toots so much. Poor thing…it may actually stick!
He is considered a “lazy feed”. That is why we are struggling with breast feeding. The bottle is just plain easier for him so he refuses the boob. For now Im pumping like mad and giving him the formula just to fatten him up And to get him outta the NICU.
Plan for today is to discuss with the other Neonatologist the “desat” issues from yesterday. There was one isolated
Incident and a second potential one. They decided to postpone any workup and just observr him. Its been more than 12 hours with no oxygenation issues….im thinking it was a fluke. My opinion, but Im going to voice this. My goal is to get him home as soon as he is capable.
*and to recapp for those who are paying attention…The words “irritable” and “incompetent” were used in my diagnosis and now Baby NoNo has a diagnosis of “lazy”. Im starting to wonder about us….
And now, your daily dose of cuteness!
I dont have them but apparently my
Lil guy does. His oxygen desaturated twice down to the 30′s and required some stimulation and additional
Oxygen to get him to pink back up.
If he does this again it grants us a full work up for sepsis and/or pneumonia.
When it rains it
Pours and I feel like Im drowning.
One big step back.
Nolan was readmitted to the NICU early this afternoon for jaundice and weight loss. His bilirubin had doubled over night and was sitting at 11.7 (borderline high but following the trend it would have ended up very high soon). He has lost 8oz since birth. Not great and we are struggling with any
Type of feeding.
So they readmitted him for some phototherapy and to feed him like crazy. I dont know when he will be discharged.
It was torture having to hand my baby over to the nurses and walk away. Horrible watching him lay there but not being able to touch him or cuddle him. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I never knew I could love
Someone this much.
So…lemme start by saying a huge thanks for all the congratulations and warm wishes! It really helped yesterday when I had no energy, every time I felt
My phone buzz I would smile!
Alot happened in NoNo’s world yesterday. He started out the day in the NICU. And ironically both of his wall mates shared his same due date, the girl was actually 4 weeks old and the boy one week old. Crazy to see how much bigger NoNo is then them. I cried watching the one Mom struggle to
Get her son to suck while mine was heartily downing 25mL’s of formula.
Once the doctors took me
Off of the Magnesium and I started feeling like a human being I was able
To make some decisions for the lil guy. Formula was halted and he was promptly switched to breast feeding. We defferred the HEP B shot until his first peds visit and made our wishes about circumcision known.
I filled out his birth certificate request
Yesterday… He really is here.
But the best news of yesterday was that he was discharged from the NICU and is now “rooming in” with me! Just like a normal baby!!
I will write more about his birth story when we get home. For now you will have to settle for this pic.
5lbs 4 oz, 19 inches long.
Beautiful and perfect.